Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
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Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
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too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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