Betty ford says i'm here all night
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
