I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
