you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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