That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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