I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
