Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
