Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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