I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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