In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
