Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
too bad burritos don't cuddle back