I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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