Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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