Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
