I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
