I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize