My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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