the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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