I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
