I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
