I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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