you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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