If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
