She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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