True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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