New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
