The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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