Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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