i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
