I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
