He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
