Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
