I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
