Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Are we still banned from the library?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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