STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
