No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
