NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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