I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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