twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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