Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
