we have pet lesbian snakes
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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