We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
