Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
