You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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