Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girls should come with a carfax report
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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