I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
