shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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