??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
