true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Randomize
