you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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