I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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