How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
